Conflict Resolution

 

Introduction Increasing the chances of success Basic Steps Old methods (used by adults on children) See also this page on mediation ---- Suggested Reading - Respect

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Introduction

Nearly all conflicts involve underlying emotional issues. The stronger the feelings, the more difficult the resolution. To resolve conflicts, then, it is absolutely necessary to address the feelings of all parties. Listed below is a conflict resoultion model which emphasizes emotions.

Increasing the Chances of Success

The probability of a mutually agreeable solution is increased when:

• The parties are in direct communication

• The parties have learned the basics skills of Emotional Literacy, EQ-Based listening, and Validating

• The parties honestly communicate both thoughts and feelings

• There is a mutual respect of needs and feelings.

• Neither party feels superior or more powerful.

• Participation is voluntary, not forced.

• The goal is a win-win outcome.

• This principle is followed:

First seek to understand, then to be understood.¹

The Basic Steps

A. Seek To Understand

• Validate each person's feeling.
• Confirm a willingness to solve problem.
• Seek understanding of the cause of the feeling.
• Confirm accurate understanding. Paraphrase.Identify the underlying unmet emotional needs.
• Show empathy.
• Ask the powerful and positive question:

What would help you feel better?

B. Seek to be Understood:

• Share your feelings & needs
• Confirm accurate reception & understanding.

C. Mutually generate options & resolutions

• Brainstorm solutions (while withholding evaluation/judgment).
• Discuss each parties feelings about alternatives.
• Make selection which maximizes positive feelings and minimizes negative feelings.

--

Hints

1. Resist inclination to focus on behavior at the expense of addressing the feelings behind the behavior.

2. Allow the least powerful person the lead role in generating and evaluating options. This helps balance the power.

Note: One of the most interesting things I have read recently is a statement by Manuel J. Smith, author of When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Smith says, in addition to the two traditional way of responding to conflict, fight or flight, there is a third way.

This third way is to verbally problem solve.

In all my reading, this is the only time I have ever seen this idea expressed, but how much sense it makes! And if we could all remember just this one point, what a difference it would make.

Old Methods Used by Adults on Children:

This is something I adapted from Thomas Gordon. Although he was talking about children and adults, I believe it is helpful to think about a more powerful and a less powerful party in a confict. Or even two equally powerful parties, or powerful in different ways. One might be more skilled at hurting the other with their words, for example.

under construction

	Method Used	Results Are That Child Feels
1	Ordering, directing, commanding	controlled, powerless, helpless, discouraged, incompetent, resentful, disrespected, rebellious
2	Warning, admonsihing, threatening, forcing	afraid, threatened, forced, discouraged, resentful, insecure, disrespected, rebellious
3	Exhorting, moralizing, preaching	preached to, bad, wrong, guilty, inferior, inadequate, unworthy
4	Advising, suggesting, solving	controlled, incompetent, underestimated, untrusted
5	Lecturing, "Dr. Spocking;"	invalidated, misunderstood, alone, tuned-out, uncared for
6	Judging, criticizing, disagree	judged, criticized, unaccepted, resentful, inferior
7	Name-calling, labeling	labeled, misunderstood, different, unaccepted
8	Ridiculing, mocking	ridiculed, mocked, offended, insulted, disrespected
9	Shaming, blaming, guilt tripping	shamed, blamed, guilty, bad, inadequate, insecure, defensive
10	Iinterrogating	confused, skeptical, resentful, offended, insulted
11	Withdrawing, silence	minimized, weak, helpless, victimized, invalidated, disrespected, discounted
12	Distracting, humoring, diverting	probed, questioned, interrogated, untrusted, doubted, tested, attacked, defensive
13	Falsely praising or agreeing	misunderstood, unimportant, invalidated, confused, unsupported
14	Falsely reassuring, sympathizing, patronizing, consoling, supporting	distracted, diverted, invalidated, repressed, denied, minmized, disrespected, confused

Adopted from T. Gordon, 1975 p 317)

this all needs to be moved up into the table

(c) preached to, bad, wrong, guilty, inferior, inadequate, unworthy
(d) controlled, incompetent, underestimated, untrusted
(e) invalidated, misunderstood, alone, tuned-out, uncared for
(f) judged, criticized, unaccepted, resentful, inferior
(g) labeled, misunderstood, different, unaccepted
(h) ridiculed, mocked, offended, insulted, disrespected
(i) shamed, blamed, guilty, bad, inadequate, insecure, defensive
(j) confused, skeptical, resentful, offended, insulted
(k) minimized, weak, helpless, victimized, invalidated, disrespected, discounted
(l) probed, questioned, interrogated, untrusted, doubted, tested, attacked, defensive
(m) misunderstood, unimportant, invalidated, confused, unsupported
(n) distracted, diverted, invalidated, repressed, denied, minmized, disrespected, confused

Overall result tends towards low self-esteem

 

With the conflict resolution method proposed here the child is more likely to feel:

Mediation

 

Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR)

This page is under construction. For now I just want to start by saying I am a strong advocate of mediation. It was very helpful to me personally when I was involved in an extremely expensive and emotionally wasteful divorce.

I recently got a request for a copy of my feeling words list from an attorney in the USA who is helping resolve disputes there through mediation. Here is a copy of one letter I got from him, printed with his permission. I feel encouraged to know about his work and the work of the courts there.

S. Hein
Nov 16, 2007

 

Steve, the US District Court for Northern California, located in San Francisco, has the leading Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) program of any US District Court in the country. There are 3 attorney/mediators. We oversee and train a panel of approximately 300 volunteer mediators, most of whom are lawyers. We also mediate cases ourselves, lead reflective practice groups for our mediators, and assist the attorneys who file cases in the court to choose appropriate ADR processes for their cases. If you want to learn more, you can check out the ADR portion of the Court's website. The url is:  http://adr.cand.uscourts.gov/ It is very, very important when one is in a helping role to do 3 things, from my experience: 1) set up appropriate boundaries so that you are not overwhelmed and give too much; 2) practice allowing the emotional waves to pass through you, as opposed to into you; and 3) get away from it, release it all, and open your heart in other directions...and then go back. Respectfully, Daniel Daniel Bowling ADR Program Staff Attorney US District Court for Northern California 415.522.2022

 

 

 

Footnotes

1. From Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People